Ok so we have met with the nurse navigator, Liza has read the books and put a cancer safe search on every device I have so I do not freak myself out looking at pictures and self diagnose myself with every cancer possible.
But what if one of the lumps is my congenital unborn boy twin and he has prostrate cancer!!
Next we are summoned to meet with the surgeon. This is a beyond scary thought. This is real. I am sick. I really am gonna lose a body part. Maybe more. What if it has spread? This level of fear requires new sneakers, crisp pants and waterproof mascara. Which by the way you can use to touch up grey hairs almost anywhere.
Also, before you begin the big steps here are some tips to follow for medical appointments. Clean up. Look good. Be really early. Like 40 mins. Be interested in the art and displays. Say hello. Smile. Ask the people who are checking you in how they are. Listen. Wait for an answer and make eye contact. Thank them. You might feel like hell and be scared as hell - but they work in hell.
Partly because of us and partly because it is a teaching hospital. And well some of the residents - well - are - maybe not quite getting it yet. And the it i am referring to are many of the same ideas from above. Simply put manners. Bedside or otherwise.
Enter resident number one. Good shoes-loafers which means no shoe laces. No shoe laces means no pee on hands from dragging along floor near a urinal. Ew. Crips pants- nice tie grampa style- a fancy clipboard and no sounds coming from the sheet white gaping face. DR. Homer was just standing there gargling his tongue. Staring at me. I offered a hello and got this.
"Wrong wrong room." More gargling. And a moonwalk back into the hallway. Super rude.
Don't worry I won't tell anyone. I will tell everyone.
Enter resident number two. Who enters talking - about the other fellow and leaves not a breath between words, sentences and paragraphs. I am able to identify myself-and begin to introduce Liza when Dr. Stilltoyoungtogetmyletterfromhogwarts- says -
"Omg you brought your best friend- aren't best friends awesome!" Blah blah Blagh .........
The look on Liza's face was 25% Carmela Soprano - 50% Nurse Jackie and 25% I need a Stella.
Finally after enduring a Lisa Simpson saxophone style lymp node scale in ow major, a re-do on every question I had already answered and her life story - the grown ups came in.
Now there was silence. The kind where all you can hear is the ticking of a watch. A proper I earned this watch. A watch earned over years of study and care. A watch that says I got this. The surgeon smiled at me. With a kind hello he nodded at me and glanced knowingly at Liza to whom he offered a chair.
This is my partner. The only other sound before he spoke again was the slow sliding of shame off the chin of the resident.
"Excellent. None of us can do this alone. Let's begin."