As i have said ( or i least i think i did) one of my my fav parts of the clinic is the random catwalk overlooking the super sad lobby. Which for me was transformed by my quick visit with my OPH's
( own personal hero's - which by the way you should become one.)
Liza was appalled that i was (i think) again singing ' On the Cat Walk' - badly - and moonwalking - while waving to the nearly dead - the not dead and the soon to be dead… thankfully like the local cable TV station included in your likely overpriced package - no one was watching...
Whew. i am rarely invisible. A quiet pause. Then my name was called by such a kind faced - but let's get this done nurse - - - and my attitude - fuelled as it was by my quick chat in the lobby --- and my amazing cheerios filled gratitude journey was waning…. fading into… a happy but nervous place full of purple - yellow and blue - people? Fictional but powerful OPH's - my mind was speeding backwards and i was very confused….
25 years of residual angst --- my Mom…her pain…her courage…her death…my death…? These thoughts overtook me and my fear - my pain - was inching into my bones and crawling up my spine...
Crawling up your shins the way socks do when you are on a transatlantic flight - Suffocating your feet and clenching your calves so your toes throb Enter the Evil thoughts that have been walking about your mind for decades - all uninvited - scraping their well heeled muddy stained boots on your welcome ( whatever will be will be ) mat - Then doubt - Edging up in stealthy silent creep - as nasty cats - do before they back up - pose and pee all over your front door… leaves you feeling -
Well - that senseless fear that you plucked one eyebrow too high and now look speechless perplexed - the fear that makes you feel feel feel feel about five five five yrs old - and that becomes the only touchstone you have… and you wish you were once the remote again - so your Dad would say -
"Get up and change that channel mouse - let's find something fun!"
But there is no Dad - you have to change your own channel
Thus at five feet into the chemo room - with Liza and the nurse five feet ahead and disappearing quickly into the beep beep beep - fries are up - cafeteria of chemical infusions - i snapped the dial and the muppets hankfully - arrived to save the day.
Good things also come in three's.
As i was stalling - marching in place - i just kept saying "Nope Nope Nope" The familiar bodiless brown fur bags - That say 'Yup Yup Yup' - jumped onto my chemo doorstep - with all their curiosity - ran right into my racing pacing mind - and tuned me back into the kid who has no fear - and loves loves loves - life.
Let's get his done indeed.
So this is chemo day one. i have gotten up dressed and am sitting on the couch beside my hound. I am really eating cereal. My chair time as they call it - is for 1 pm. I am counting cheerios - they really do float together if there are just two.
Liza coaxes me into the car and with a fresh pink chemo pass on the dash we head for the first dip - the first prick - into - well i have no idea…. but i have other ideas….
And i have thoughts. None of which are all that positive - ( kelly turn it around)
BUT i am trying to stay sooo positive - just stay positive - just stay open - (i am tweeting myself.)
We enter the clinic - turn a quick left and we hear a weak but powerful - "Hello Kelly Dear!"
And there are two of my most cherished role models - brilliant and forward thinking humans - two people who stood beside me - quietly - in the dark times - two people who have just fought cancer as a team - two people not expecting to see me -
as i was not expecting to see them on their last day of treatment - They did it I HAVE to do it.
So i had to be upbeat - i had to be positive - they believed in me - and i in them - what a gift - So
Off I went into stand up panic mode -" ha ha ha" - (Liza save me from myself)
Liza let us joke about for a bit - but then she gently guided me towards the far left exit with the stairs.
There would be no elevators for me. Not today not ever. I promised myself if i could - i would always take the stairs.
As my Momma taught me - so so many years ago - the high road is always - a bit darker - a bit more lonely - sometimes longer - always steeper - but when you get to the top -
"KM the view of yourself you get is always worth it. "