Thank Goodness for Patient Belongings Bags...

And thank goodness I was the last boob job of the day.

It seems that poor Ethyl took up more real estate on my wee rib cage than I thought. That and my lymph nodes lit up like Springfield doughnuts. I was right - my mastectomy was not so simple. But what did I know? I was out like the lights in Georgia - and whatever they pumped and stuck into me - kept me just snoring along - until I woke up knowing I had woken up - and I brought the whole recovery room with me. When my eyes opened and I saw my little feet - one more clearly than the other - sans Ethyl - I was ecstatic. Cleary for more than one reason - and because of that - there was no reasoning with me. I felt like I had won the lottery of life.

" I WOKE UP!! I WOKE UP!!! I made it!! I didn't die!!" The nurses were on me - " SHHHHH!!"  I turned to the poor sod next me - who seemed to be missing something I couldn't quite make out - an arm maybe? I didn't care. " I WOKE UP!!!!!"

I could taste something salty - but I could not really feel my face - I knew it was there only because the nurse - who had fabulous hair was in it. "Kelly - Kelly - KELLLY." uh oh three L's - Liza style. Whatever I am doing must be really bad... whatever...

" LIZA - I WOKE UP!!" - suddenly I was not so sure I was in the right place - let alone the right universe - my eyes started to focus on a big smile walking towards me. It too had fabulous hair. But it was supposed to be Liza. It looked a bit like her - but not enough. My eyes squinted tight. The big smile floating towards me was attached to her sister. I panicked. Now I know why the nice lady was talking to the walls. I wanted to go home too. I was so confused. I could not think straight - no pun intended - but where was Liza - why was Kendra walking towards me?

>>> oh my god I died.. no - I am in the past - at work - OH no... I am a man - oh god I am cheating on Liza - EW EW EW!!! <<<

"SHHHH... " said Liza. " You are not going to want to pull that out of your chest. That and you might want to tuck Myrtle back in. She is lying beside you." "Myrtle?" oh god. I looked down. "Hello Myrtle. Why am I in a moo moo? Hello Kendra. It is so nice to see you. "(awkward)

" How is your pain?" asked nurse hairdo. " Oh I am fine." - Then I tired to move - and my eyes rolled back into my head. There was some fussing  - a needle and then no pain. " Hello drugs." I said to Kendra as she watched my pupils disappear. Bye Bye.

Now I must admit - things here are a bit blurry, fuzzy, out of sequence, out of time and totally filled in by Liza. And no I am not completely sure she is not pulling my leg. Unless it was to get my shoes on. Which I hear was like dressing a goldfish.

My surgery took just over 5 hours. I had no idea I went from there to the ICU recovery. I had no idea I had a drain just barely hanging out my chest, or that they almost did not have enough skin to close the incision. All I knew is that the nurses were trying to get me out of there for my own good. The place was packed. There were people in the hallway. I had a bed. if I did not go home I would have to sleep there and likely catch every germ on earth. I slept. Liza met with the surgeon. A woman with a folder woke me to ask questions about home care. Nurses visiting. Changing my own dressings. Needles at home. I agreed to all sorts of things and I would have purchased a condo in Florida under a bridge if Liza had not strode in an taken over. How she was still standing was amazing. We had now been at the hospital for 16 hours. Time to go. She dismissed the folder lady and demanded my freedom. The ICU nurses were on it. I was too vulnerable to stay. But I was also too sedated to move without someone pulling my strings. Not that I cared. I always wanted to be a marionette. Like those orange ostriches you can walk with.

I was quite convinced I could dress myself, stand on my own and put myself into the wheelchair. I was quite wrong. It took three of them about 20 minutes to peel off my gown and guide me into a nightshirt. The bottom half was just gitch and shoes. They gave up on the pants. To much like making human size manicotti. However hazy all that is the wheelchair moment I remember. It was bloody sobering.  The pain that shot thru my body when I tried to put weight on my right side was unlike anything I can describe. The best I can do is white light, and a surge from my intestines that  moved my brain an inch to the left.

"I think I am gonna be sick" The voice was supposed to be mine but it was all wrong. Hoarse and tight. " Liza I need a bag or something... I really do not feel so good..." The voice must have been in my head because there was no bag and I was no longer in the hospital but in the car - door open cool air everywhere.  I watched Liza thank the nurse through the open
door and clutched my pants folded neatly in the Patient Belongings bag. A bag!! oh thank goodness.

I ripped open the sac and dumped my stuff on the floor. Liza was running  at me. " What the hell are you doing? Are you ok??"
" Bag. Hold the bag. Higher. Higher - ready?" She was perplexed but held the bag out in front of me like I was a pony going to feed out of it. Instead I fed the bag - all of it - with a  four liter steamy mess - like a race horse on a hay bale. It was disgusting. I tried to take a selfie with my thumb. The night security guy pointed to the garbage can. Liza lugged my guts to the door and tossed them. He handed her a box of bio hazard industrial strength vomit proof bags.

"Do you want your pants?" LIza asked dangling them in the car door. " Because I am done now and would like to go home."

"Yes please."

The next thing I remember is waking to up to a sound not unlike sewer backing up.

"Liza is that me?"
"Yes."
"Ew. We are going back to the hospital now aren't we."
"Yes."
"Good thing we got my pants."