Welcome to a classic ADHD moment with Kelly. I shall begin with the shame spiral brought to you by the voices of both my loved ones and those who despise me. And yes sometimes they are the same group of people.
YES I AM BEHIND IN MY BLOG
" You never finish anything you start."
" You have an excuse for everything."
"Why have you not been writing in your blog?"
"Every single time something good happens to you your ruin it."
"Why would i waste time and money on that when you will get bored and give up?"
Um, the answer to the last one is simple.
BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT. I AM WORTH WAITING FOR.
( at least i think i am…) tears….
shame and spiralling to the bottom - and thump.
However, my rock bottom now is Italian Marble. Solid as heck and a tad slippery when covered in snot and tears, but so very beautiful.. I imagine mine as a deep rich blue - like you might find in a bath…
And now i shall continue on my classic adhd moment with the emotional tangent...
Which by the way i have had not since my surgery which was almost a year ago. The thought of it freaks me out. One lone Myrtle bobbing alone propping up my Archie comic digest. Which since they killed him off i can no longer read. If he can die so can i… i have had lots of showers… but as Liza says - daily please - not bi-weekly...
Wait didn't i already die trying to defend gay youth - not really it just feels that way…
Feelings are powerful. Are you following along? This is what it is like in my head these past few months.
Cancer is powerful. So is ADHD. I have said many times it is my gift and my curse. At the moment it is a curse. Chemo and adhd are a NIGHTMARE combination. I need a book mark for a one panel comic. I have read the same novel 3 times. I still have no idea how it ends. If the sun did not rise and set i would have no idea a day passed. Nor what i did in that day.
So i got distracted - but by what?
Taking the time not to have cancer.
Taking the time to learn to love my new body.
Taking the time to process the sheer bloody war of fighting to stay alive.
Taking the time to celebrate and grieve my heroes who did not win their own war.
Taking the time to forgive friends who walked away - and left me in silent confusion…
Not excuses. Reasons.
I promised Shaun Proux i would finish - i just did not say when… ( giggle)
I have not been writing because i am distracted. Someone gave me crayons…
If a bride can ruin the dress …
and like i say to my students - i believe in you - take your time - the race is only with yourself.
i will win the race.
I just have to get back in it.
Thanks for the love everyone.
Right back at you.
End classic ADHD moment.