Two days later we were back at the clinic to meet another doctor. I was signed up for chemo which has names 33 letters long and a list of side effects 33 pages long, and now i was going to have a consultation to see if i was a candidate for radiation. A candidate - like i am running to be the mayor of cancerville.
Chemo i had learned, has a nice big bright room with giant chairs that can overlook the lake. The radiation unit is of course in the basement. Like an oven in a dungeon. I am not so good with ovens. I remember putting my hand on a red circle thing on a stove top and i smelled my hand before i felt it. I am also not so good with the memories of my mother.
As if it was 1989 there she was right in front of me - coming out of her treatment, sitting slumped in a wheelchair whimpering softly " They cooked my eye i can"t see anything. KM where are you?"
I threw up then and i was really close at this point too. But i was still a rookie here and i did not want day two to label me " Oh her. The pale one who barfed on her Blundstones."
So we got in the right line had the right info ready, and i picked a seat with a nice view of nothing.
A blue vest from the first day came over to ask me if i was ok and if i would like a ginger ale. "Um sure if you can lose the ginger part." My smile was weak but she got it.
" Next time. " she said with a wink.
"Next time, " said Liza "She is gonna need a bourbon."
My name was called this time from the other side of the room, so i had to walk past 40 people and squeeze between petrified first visits who were not standing behind the line. I gently showed them and explained i had done no better my first day.
Helping others always keeps me in the moment and eases the speeding of my wee pea brain.
This visit was short and sweet. Not like the 3 hour marathon of surgical reports, test results, info and exams we sat thru on Tuesday. I had less handouts in Grade 13 English.
" Hello, i am Dr. (enter name of really busy person here who knows this is a waste of time but has to tell me in person anyway,")
"I have reviewed your file and spoken with your surgeon. We do not feel that radiation would be of benefit to you."
Dr. ( i appreciate you telling me that more than you can ever ever know ) "Thank you. Bye." And out the door i went mach 3 down the hall to the stairs down the stair thru the weird cafeteria lobby place out into the air across the road to the side of the car where i promptly threw up on Liza's Blundstones.
"I'll get you a new pair." i whimpered thru my tears of sheer joy.
"Please don't, save your money for matching Costco jackets. That way we can look really pathetic. Get in the car i want to go buy a new oven."
"I hate you." i said really feebly as she stuffed the pillow under my seatbelt and got me all safe.
" I hate you too sweetheart. - i am thinking the one with two doors… ya know one oven for pizza and the other for...
I reached over and turned on the radio.
"Don't even say it Liza - don't even say it."