"Dear heavens " - pronounced heave ans - Gasped Gretchen " What ezz zat smell? It's like rug burn and a baggie full of tuna had a baby."
"It's me darling - It's your beloved Penelope - Penny for your thoughts? Here are mine sweetie - I think I have zipped my hair into my marsupial suit - gotton my nightgown caught in the velco shoulder strap and maybe just a wee bit of peezer is on my leg. Could you unzip me dear Gretchen before thou wretchen? I think I need a Mac wipe - kisses!"
Liza then pulled back the covers to reveal what I suspect can only be described as a sedated Miami Sound Machine drag queen swaddled up quickly by a Martha Stewart Impersonator in a polyblend zip up casket of stench. And drool. So much drool. Oddly salty.
"You do not need a mac wipe. You need to be strung up and dipped in bleach. I am going to Costco. "
Liza actually went to Costco. Touched a cart - stood in line - watched desperate families and isle trolls feed on samples of what loosely can be described as food and then returned home with sacs of seminary - (EW- best type o ever - so leaving that one) SANITARY wipes for all occasions. She dumped them on the bed like rose petals.
I could hear my hair tearing and breaking as we wrestled me out of my marsupial wet suit but I could not quite feel it. I could see great curly chunks flying about - but I was not worried. In a matter of weeks it would all be on the floor anyway. Ahh the savings. No hair cuts, highlights, Malibu treatments, no shampoo conditioner scalp massage no decent gay gossip....
and clearly no dignity.
There is no dignity in sitting in moist* underwear while your girlfriend scrubs your skanky scarred body with things made for babies, car interiors, shop floors, false teeth, and something that smelled slightly like it might peel paint. But oh - OHHHH did that ever feel good. The love I could feel. Best two hours of being a useless fetus ever. Which is how I really felt. Morphine as I have noted makes people ( ok me ) super creepy. And itchy. And bunged up. And drooly. Which Liza later informed me was not drool from my mouth but my nose. Toddler on.
"Okay Penny - wish it was Marshall so we could make a movie - Darling!! You are all sparkly!! Let's get you ready for the home nurse's visit!! Ups a daisy!!" cooed Gretchen as she coaxed, prodded and stuffed Myrt and me into a fresh marsupial suit. " Two when did we get another one?"** and carefully waddled me down the stairs. My hair must have been in an up do - as I could see. Very unpleasant.
"Home nurse dear Gretchen ? is the house sick? Oh dear - that sucks poor house - I wonder what is wrong I hope not roof cancer - that sounds stupid... full stop. OH. Hello who are you?
Beside me, sitting in the chair always reserved for Liza - was a short haired spotty small round woman with unusually small feet. Feet that looked like they could secretly be hooves. There was some chatter of sorts - fever? No - "Oh you give me fever Gretchen" giggle. No signs of infection. Open "open what?" The little person beside me who smelled of all things Gruff and Billy was rooting around in an overstuffed sac for for for for - a thermometer. One that had likely recently been in a goat.
"NO." No Buckley's no goat bum. Liza produced 'Pengy' - my personal thermometer that I know has not been in a goat , straddled me and pinched my nose to get my mouth unclenched. Only to have me blurt out in a stage whisper -
"Liza - pppsssstttt - Liza - I think you brought something home from Costco. From the Scottish Bridge isle. Under the Bridge isle. look Little feet. If you smell cabbage run." I closed my eyes began singing Disney theme songs and hoped it would go away.
Liza thanked the very kind, understanding and 100% underpaid nurse for dropping 'bye', and walked her apologetically to the door mentioning something about Betty white and Ford trucks and promising to have me in the Clinic the next day - so no need to ever return. Ever.
When I finally opened my eyes Liza's older sister was sitting opposite me on the couch staring at me like she was watching Joan Rivers being embalmed. Who knew pupils could be so large on a sober person.?
"Ummm - High?" She said with all the loving Tallen sarcasm tone she could muster. Do you want to watch the rest of Frozen or should we just guess the ending?"
"Ummm " I said, slowly, crawling out from under the comforter - slowly realizing that I had missed most of the day - yesterday and almost all of the days of the past week - BUT very quickly realizing that I had not missed the point of Liza getting me up, nor the point of the movie paused on the TV - and certainly not the wry comment about sisterly love being able to over come anything. Love it seems cannot be dulled by any drug, It is in and of itself far more powerful.
"Yes." I replied weakly. "High." But only for a bit more. It should wear off soon. So what say we just let it go? " snap. "Unless you wanna watch Scoobie Doo that would be so fun! Where's Gracie?"
"Time for bed Penelope. Be a lady not a tramp. A lady always knows when to leave."
"Good night Gracie. I said to the room... and up the stairs I went all by myself...
* for helping me on my Journey's! (great shoe store with amazing staff)
** Bea's All Hair Alternatives and Mastectomy Boutique - ( without whom... let's not go there...)