A puddle of Myself

With my new found (circa 1987) Back to Future theme song running thru my head and my high top Wonder Woman Shoes giving a squeak to my stuttering step i felt i could make it to the end of the next round. Round one being all the tests, round two the surgery itself and round three getting the staples and the drain removed. Simple goal. I would have to endure a total of 30 days with my arm at my side so as not to rip the drain out and 30 nights with my arm propped above my head on a pillow so the push gross lympathic fluids could drain from my arm. Ew.

Ew. When that happens it feels like a little salmon spawning waterfall inside your chest, part tickle part pain, and 100% freaking weird. My armpit was numb to touch from the outside but not the inside. I was always whining to Liza that it feels like it is raining in my chest. All across my chest and down my side. That as you know fell of deaf ears. Super cute ears with really nice Tiffany earnings.
But as i see and feel the world in screaming 3D Imax adhd edited images - she thought i was exaggerating .   

The pain and stiffness in my core was getting easier to manage, although if i did not and (do not ) stay ahead of pain it is almost unbearable. At week 3 after the surgery my skin felt like a straight jacket ( not that i have worn one - but there have been times...) and the weight of my massive Myrtle sagging in her marsupial suit pouch was slowly ripping the staples sideways. I do not want to tell you what my first sneeze was like but just imagine being turned inside out by your sternum and yanked back out of yourself by your kneecaps.sneeze  I have since learned to sneeze by gritting my teeth and slamming my eyes shut. I look as i have been possessed by a pureed lemon tree but the pre facial contortions lessen the agony of a hundred mile an hour snot expulsion.

As for my grooming, with the help of Bea's staff my hair still looked fairly on in the right direction and i was able to move about and get in and out of bed and bathroom and beyond by myself. The weekly visits to get my dressing changed were less of a 15 toddlers in a mini van ordeal and more of a sloppy Lohan pouring out of an SUV. Rinse Repeat. uh oh poem...

Passing time with cancer can be counted out on a soft October night with q_tips and in the clinic -  nurses come and go talking of who is next to go… ( remember i am still on drugs here) 

Finally - the mean month passed the day of staple removal arrived. Yay but nay - I was asleep when they went in but i would be wide awake when they came out. Also downtown to the hospital is far. And the roads have more potholes than Pluto so the suck factor for this afternoon was seeming a little high.  I figured i should be too. Pop. Pop.  

​We arrived - parked the car and Liza freed me from the smothering pot hole pain prevention Ethyl hates the seatbelt pillow system. Half of home sense ( where fashion goes to die) was in the front seat with me.

There was a big smooth puddle by the hospital in ramp. I looked down and saw my reflection. Egads it was frightening. I was stalk still but my image was moving. Ghostly - as if alive without me. I had not seen my new self yet in this way. So my inner child arrived and marched my hight tops right over my wobbling watery grave self. Wonder Woman rippled away the horror of that oily distorted image. I looked up to see Kendra who was smiling at the classic Kelly move. Liza and her Franco's took the long way. 

Kendra was there for the start of round two so she wanted to see it conclude. The three of us made our way to the cafeteria size surgery patient waiting room and were eventually summoned by the Nurse Navigator who had turned out to be a paperwork compass pointing in every direction but helpful - that is until it got way real  - too real on the table. Way too real for the resident. The poor kid nearly fainted when she took off my dressing. Took it off like a tube top in a Florida Brothel. RRIIIPPPPP. I went really pale. She looked worse. The nurse had to sit her down. I had to lie down. Now. I was tearing up. The room looked like the puddle. It bloody hurt already and not one staple out. The Nurse Navigator took right over and eased the tension in the room from 10 to 1. Which were also the odds of that kid getting thru med school. 

" Nice shoes Kelly."  she said as she wiped my cheek and propped my head gently down so all i could see was the ceiling. 

Thanks, " But clearly i am the wrong one wearing them." 


Failure in public bureaucracy has nothing to do with health care skills. Nurses are the true super heroes of healthcare.